Okay. Remember that post a week or so back? I said something about how I was sure my time away from Israel would be long. I had made peace with that before I had even arrived at Ben Gurion. Even halfway through my time there I could swallow and accept it. But feelings are never static.
I have never cried so hard in public as I did while I stood at my departure gate last Friday morning. I felt dizzy. I railed against my decision to leave. It felt like a submission. I thought about running back down the corridor. I reminded myself that my life isn’t a movie. I resisted the urge.
I spent the last two days moping. I woke up on Saturday feeling like something was missing. I lay in bed for a while, still unshowered after a full day of travel. When my hunger finally dragged me from my sheets, I stood in the bathroom and stared at the tan lines on my naked body. My hair was unbrushed. I got in the shower and sobbed.
I tried a few times that day to look at airfare and try not to choke. I drank wine. I told myself to hold it together. I felt overwhelmed by the knowledge that I could not confide in people I would have a few months ago. I was amazed by how lonely I felt when I couldn’t be touched by a certain pair of hands.
But then, a wonderful boy’s wonderful mother reached out to me: “How are you holding up?” I told her I was heartsick. There was no point in not being frank. She was warm and sympathetic. She told me to keep writing.
So I am writing. Even if this particular piece is a hot mess. Even though things don’t feel as bright as usual right now.
I don’t think I’ll ever be much of a submissive person. I am determined and I make things happen. The moping is easing up. I’m replacing it with a sharp desire to figure things out. This is the sound of my action brain.
A friend said a couple really tear-jerkingly lovely things about this:
“Brutal, tangled, and beautiful.”
“[you] have matured a great deal, pulling back the layers, like onions skins. And like onions they burn, sting, and make you cry- but they are also so versatile and delicious.
You are prepared for this. Let it in.”
Letting it in.