What a day.
I am currently paralyzed with stress. I am moving in three days and am unbelievably overwhelmed by packing, even though I don’t have that many things. I need to give away my cat. I haven’t told my shithead landlords I’m moving.
My heart is still a bit blue and I have no idea what to do with it. There is nothing I can do about it for a while, and even after that while is up I’m unsure of my next move. In any case, I need to workworkwork so that it’s feasible to do ANY of the three things I want to do. And work is hurting my fucking body.
Heartsickness led me to have a lengthy introspective discussion with a close friend about some defensive behaviours I have in terms of relationships. It was difficult and honest and I’m still processing some realizations I had. I want to write it out at some point but I’m so fucking freaked out by all the other stuff I need to do that I don’t know when I can fit it in.
I saw a map of Tel Aviv today and felt terrible. I can’t explain the feeling. I saw the names of the streets and to everyone here they’re just names. But a week ago I was there. I walked them and I smelled them and I felt them. Seeing them as just lines on some intangible map felt perverse.
I don’t know what to do with myself.